I once had a friend who up and decided to go live somewhere where nobody knew him. He was once a really good friend. We’ll call him X. He was stupid, sad, unstable, and unreliable. I am not like him in that sense at all. He was carefree, I am too careful. Anyway, I digress. X moved to the mountains where he thought he could love himself and the thigns around him. He was brave. He was wonderful and stuff, and he lost hope. He’s happy now. He has people around him and is doing things he love.

I haven’t left to go anywhere. Nothing is different. I have people I love. I can do things I love. Nothing’s scary, I make it scary. I make my life a scary place to live. Thing is, I get to spend a few hours with one of the greatest friends I know tomorrow. I got to see one of the nicest people I’ve ever met almost every day this week. I have the nicest most wonderful friend…eventhough she juices her filters to the point of vomit. I have another lovely who I can mispell almost 100% of a text to and I still get lovely replies. I have people who I can casually laugh with. I have wonderful girls living in my house. My dad would do anything for me. I have a second family that gave me the warmest feeling ever today. I have a biff who loves and supports me and I am going to try my damndest to do the same for her. I have good grades, a good job (no matter how little time I spend at it per year, it makes me summers fulfilling), I have university acceptance, I have my health, and I don’t need thousands of dollars.

My life is full and I am unhappy. His is not and he is happy. I have no right to act the way I do or play the woe card like I do. I can appreciate what I have and get on with it. Frankly, I can fuck off.

I can let go of the past. It’s a fucked up little mess. Tomorrow is new. Tomorrow can be a beginning. Tomorrow I can donate blood and take a walk and do a job right. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. No, I’m not going to go live in a mountain with a clean slate and unfamiliarity, but it is a different tomorrow for me. I’m a little bit more alone, yet maybe I just have one more person to make my life less lonely.

We’ll see how this goes. For now I have my patience. I have a prayer. And somehow I have this conversation I just had.

My life is good, I better appreciate it. Before I know it, it could slip away. I don’t want that anymore. That was a stupid idea.